| welcome to my life |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|01:13 am] |
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I am getting back to normal after my major melt down! I'm not saying that I'm back to "normal", but I'm better with myself. I'm keeping my fingers crossed about this promotion at work... I've still yet to interview for it, but if I get it everything will be set in motion! If I get the job, I'll then be able to get my loan, pay off everything I own... set up my consultations for my laser/plastic surgery... and move out of my house. I'm done with feeling sorry for myself.. I'm putting all of my energy into changing myself so I can be who I truly want to be! I'm worried that my friends won't like the new me, but what I've learned over the past week or so is that my true friends will love me no matter what, anyone else isn't worth having around anyway.. I'm sorry to have stressed everyone out, but I hope you can all understand that I needed some alone time.. PEACE OUT!! |
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| because I'm an ass hole |
[Jan. 19th, 2006|07:00 pm] |
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Apparently I've hurt everyone's feelings... I'm sorry... I tried to tell you that it wasn't your fault... I'm sorry I wish you all well, because I'm not going to hurt you anymore.. I'm not a good friend so I'm just going to quit writing. please don't call, don't e-mail, don't come to my house, and I'll give you all the same. Sorry that I'm an ass hole. |
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| Should I even be suprised!?! |
[Jan. 18th, 2006|09:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Pissed/Crying/Sad/Blah/Sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Destiny's Child - Emotion | ] |
I just got a phone call from work... My interview with my DM tomorrow was cancelled... She's too busy with other applicants... Hmmm... sounds like I'm gonna get the job huh.. I sent Crystal a text today telling her no one was going to karaoke and apologized for falling off the face of the earth. I told her I was having some problems and needed to be alone.. and her response was "why can't you talk to me?" and I can't bring myself to send her a reply... not because it's her but because I want nothing to do with anyone or anything right now.. MY LIFE MAKES ME FUCKING SICK!!! and as much as it hurts, my friends remind me of what is killing me on the inside. All I want is to be alone for a little while... correction: I don't WANT to be alone, I fucking NEED to be alone and deserve to be alone. I love everyone, but you really wouldn't love me right now.. seriously.. I was thinking I had a sunny spot to maybe change things for the better when I got this ineterview.. and now I can see that nothing is going to change I'm going to be stuck where I am forever. I have decided I'm not going to the concert tonight... I can't pretend to be happy tonight. |
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| I'm hurting people... |
[Jan. 18th, 2006|12:49 am] |
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Hey all, I know I'm probably hurting feelings by not returning phone calls.. Thats not my intention! I'm just seriously fucked in the head right now and you really wouldn't be talking to "me". I was thinking about avoiding coffee tonight... I still went... Kristin knew something was wrong and I think she was a bit freaked out... I have an interview for a promotion at work on thursday... Ellen and Matt I apologize for missing your last few days in town.. I'll visit you again to make up for it... I'm so so so sorry! Crystal, I'm sorry for ditching out on you the other night.. I really needed to get away. Matt, Happy Birthday, I love you! Brittany I'm sory I got you sick.. I hope you feel better soon. We're all skipping karaoke tomorrow and attending Heather's concert.. I love heather, but I'm not sure if I really want to be in that environment right now.. Who am I trying to kid?...I'll end up going. Sorry if everyone is pissed at me I'm not trying to be an ass.. I promise, I'm really not. |
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| Getting it all out. |
[Jan. 16th, 2006|02:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | Words cant explain | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Silverchair - Luv Your Life | ] |
I need to get all of the things that I'm feeling out in the open... I'm so fucking sick of being me, the reason being that no one really knows whats going on with me. I have this crazy NEED to make everyone around me happy. Be it by pushing my own feelings aside and being my "normal" happy self, or by becoming whatever others want me to be. I have anything and everything that anyone could possibly want, but it's not enough! I want what all of the others around me have. I want love... However given my track record with men, I'm a fucking loser and I have no hopes of acquiring a boyfriend.
I need to make changes in my life... BIG CHANGES, I've quit smoking... and now I'm going to start redesigning myself. I'm not happy with my body.. I hate my stomach with a bloody passion! I'm going to start working out, and hopefully begin eating better. I had planned on getting a loan for 5 thousand dollars to pay off some bills... I'm upping it by a couple of thousand and I'm getting laser hair removal.. EVERYWHERE.. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. The fact that I'm disgusted by my body leads me to believe that others feel the same way. Depending on how much I can squeeze out of this loan I'm also hoping to get a nose job... Yes these things are drastic, but whatever god didn't give me, I'll find a doctor who can.
Everyone says how good I've been looking lately... but I don't see it... I never have.. Every time someone gives me a compliment I give the "appropriate" response, but it's the furthest thing from the truth. I'm surrounded by the most beautiful people on the planet on a daily basis, and it's just a constant reminder that I'll never quite measure up.
Crazy things have gone through my head like... going STRAIGHT!?! I have so many women around me that love me and I love in return... I am really starting to think I could do it! Then I wouldn't have to put up with all the faggot bullshit in the world. I can remember a time when I was VERY proud to be gay.. but thats all it is anymore, a memory. What the fuck to I have to be proud of? I have no REAL gay friends... Everyone around the city knows me, but it's not like we hang out or anything. I have allowed myself to become a token. I know my friends love me but you all have no idea how hard it is to be the only fag everywhere we go. I'm SICK OF BEING "THE GAY GUY"!!! Then I sit back and look at all of my friends.. my close friends I have no doubt that I would still be close to them regardless of my sexuality.. but then there are so many people that are only my friend because I'm gay... Why do people think that the only thing I bring to the table is being a faggot?
I used to think there was something better about being gay.. That we were all going to struggle and overcome and in the end we would all be happy.. Just so you all know being gay is all about sex. All I am to any man is a hole to stick his dick in.
"Then why change all these things about yourself?" you are probably asking yourself that very question... I've never been happy with my body since puberty played its evil game with me.. I need to at least be happy with myself. I need to be able to look in the mirror every day and say "Damn! I look good today". Something every one of you has I’m sure done.. and as sad as it may sound I've never been able to do it myself. I buy expensive clothes for a reason... everyone thinks I'm a label queen, but honestly on Christmas are you going to want to open the nicely wrapped gift first, or the one in a soggy paper bag. My clothes are the one part of my appearance I have control over, so expensive is the way to go.
Have any of you ever wondered what it would be like to change places with one of your friends? I do it all the time.. I'm afraid of whats going to happen.. I see these old guys in the clubs all the time. They just troll for guys and take what they can get. I can't do that.. I won't do that! How god damned lonely are those guys.. and fuck, I make fun of them when I see them... What does that say for my character? I make fun of a lot of people... for things they have no control over... When did I become so fucking superior to everyone else? I'm not.. if anything I'm 10 x's worse than everyone else put together. Thats where my true ugliness is.. on the inside... I can do anything to the outside... but who I am on the inside will fuck me out of happiness for the rest of my life. |
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| WOW, HOW WRONG CAN THIS THING BE??? |
[Dec. 31st, 2005|03:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| Your Birthdate: October 16 | 
You're incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head.
You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking.
People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right.
You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself.
Your strength: Your original approach to thinking
Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others
Your power color: Pale blue
Your power symbol: Wavy line
Your power month: July |
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| How the Grinch stole Christmas... |
[Dec. 25th, 2005|07:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
Well, leave it to my dad to ruin christmas... Things were going well, it was me, my mom, my dad, and my brother.. The day was spent watching movies, playing games, and talking. Can you imagine it, My family actually getting along and having a good time!?! After we finished dinner my dad decided it was a good time to go see my NAZI Grandma in the nursing home... keep in mind the only person who actually likes this troll of a woman is my dad. My brother and I of course pretended we had other things to do so as my dad went outside to warm up his truck my mom started to put her coat on. She looked at me and asked if this is why I'm never home for holidays.. I told her the truth... It is the reason! I would rather dig out my eyes with a rusty spoon than spend one minute with that woman. Just then I saw my mom start to cry... My heart seriously broke into about a million pieces... They just left, now I am going to disappear for a while. Thanks dad, for ruining christmas for your family. |
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| DISCLAIMER TO RYAN'S LIVEJOURNAL |
[Dec. 24th, 2005|12:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dobie Gray - Drift Away | ] |
Guess what... If you don't like what my LJ says DON'T FUCKING READ IT!!! These are my thoughts and I write them for myself... My friends are my family and I choose to allow them to enter my my world to read my thoughts.. If you are not my friend, or could become offended by things I type about people... PLEASE JUST MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!! |
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| Well, all things must come to an end... |
[Dec. 14th, 2005|02:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  relieved | ] |
Matt [2:52 AM]: hullo
Ryan [2:53 AM]: wasn't avoiding you I just choose not to make my friends listent to my problems... seeing as how I've been hanging out with them...
Matt [2:55 AM]: ok
Ryan [2:58 AM]: Thanks for the voice mails though... it's good to know how ya feel.
Matt [2:58 AM]: HA
Matt [2:58 AM]: my lil mussolini
Matt [2:58 AM]: he's so cute
Ryan [3:00 AM]: what did I do that was so horrible anyway?
Matt [3:00 AM]: you did nothing....
Matt [3:01 AM]: i was just being dumb
Ryan [3:02 AM]: sorry, but thats really not ok with me
Matt [3:03 AM]: ok
Matt [3:03 AM]: well i apologize
Matt [3:04 AM]: i really wanted to talk
Matt [3:04 AM]: you didn't
Ryan [3:05 AM]: when exactly did you want to talk? was it when I told you I'd call you later and you said whats the point if it's not going to accomplish anything, or was it when you hung up on me?
Matt [3:08 AM]: if there was a hang up it was accidental......i've had 7 hours sleep in 3 days....i'm sorry i'm a bit stressed out. there would have been nothing accomplished from a later conversation for two reasons #1- i was tired.......#2- what's the point
Matt [3:09 AM]: i'm sorry
Matt [3:10 AM]: i'm grumpy
Matt [3:10 AM]: i don't mean to be
Matt [3:10 AM]: after this week is over
Matt [3:10 AM]: it's sunshine
Ryan [3:12 AM]: Do we ever seriously accomplish anything when we talk? Just the pure fact that we would be talking would be fucking fantastic for me.... I know that you have a lack of sleep, and I'm sorry that you do... but its not my fault so don't take it out on me.
Matt [3:12 AM]: i'm not
Matt [3:13 AM]: those messages were apart of my off-centered sense of humour
Matt [3:13 AM]: not to mean anything
Matt [3:13 AM]: sorry if you took it as such
Matt [3:14 AM]: and you know what
Matt [3:14 AM]: yer right
Matt [3:14 AM]: wew never accomplish anything when we talk
Matt [3:14 AM]: so what's the position of it all anyway
Ryan [3:16 AM]: "so this is how you deal with people when you're mad at them, you avoid them....fine whatever... I guess I'll talk to you in ten years or so".... yeah i'd say thats a little off-centered........ I wasn't aware that we had to accomplish anything everytime we talked.... what the hell kind of fun is it going into a phone conversation with an agenda of things that need to be discussed?
Matt [3:17 AM]: don't worry about it
Matt [3:17 AM]: i was being fecetious
Ryan [3:18 AM]: Ummm I am going to worry about it I just got smacked in the face like 5 times tonight
Matt [3:19 AM]: by who? not me
Ryan [3:19 AM]: Not literally
Matt [3:20 AM]: yer grand boy.....don't let it bother you
Ryan [3:20 AM]: I'm not worried, I'm upset
Matt [3:20 AM]: why?
Matt [3:22 AM]: or you could answer yer phone
Matt [3:22 AM]: i just called to discuss
Matt [3:22 AM]: still no answer
Ryan [3:23 AM]: you were shitty to me when we talked on the phone earlier, you left me shitty voice mails... my phone is plugged in downstairs... it's almost dead... I got a lot of calls tonight
Matt [3:23 AM]: sorry yer phone is in bad health
Matt [3:24 AM]: sorry you think ill of things
Matt [3:24 AM]: I"VE APOLOGIZED
Matt [3:24 AM]: ALREADY
Matt [3:24 AM]: I'M SORRY\
Matt [3:26 AM]: this is just rediculous
Ryan [3:26 AM]: how so?
Matt [3:27 AM]: ok.
Matt [3:28 AM]: no insult intended
Matt [3:28 AM]: but why are we talking about this still
Matt [3:29 AM]: we are both too good fer this
Ryan [3:31 AM]: well, maybe you are... but I was hoping to get a problem that I have solved.
Matt [3:31 AM]: that doesn't sting....and what do you want accomplished/
Matt [3:32 AM]: ?
Matt [3:32 AM]: may i call you and discuss this/
Matt [3:33 AM]: this is not fer typing
Ryan [3:34 AM]: Doesn't sting? good, it wasn't meant to! I really think it would be best if we didn't talk on the phone right now.. I'd rather type it's much more calming.
Matt [3:36 AM]: well Ryan. I hope you have a good rest of the night. I hope you can get over dumb-ass antics not meant to fuck with you on purpose. I hope I hope I hope
Matt [3:36 AM]: you have a good night
Matt [3:36 AM]: Because this is so juvenile
Matt [3:36 AM]: as my actions were
Matt [3:37 AM]: but you took them like gold
Matt [3:37 AM]: boo
Ryan [3:37 AM]: if you could give me a few minutes and a few mature responses maybe we could get past this
Matt [3:38 AM]: oh ryan
Matt [3:38 AM]: get over it
Matt [3:38 AM]: here's yer few minutes
Matt [3:38 AM]: go
Ryan [3:39 AM]: don't do me any favors
Matt [3:39 AM]: ha...i'm not....i really wanna see this
Matt [3:40 AM]: yer a grand guy dammit
Matt [3:41 AM]: this is so stupid of a thing to be arguing over
Ryan [3:42 AM]: well, here it goes laugh it up... You know I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year... do you think its because I haven't had an offer??? NOT SO MUCH... I've been though such a VAST ARRAY of BULLSHIT with every fucking person I've been with from the guy the guy I was going to marry cheating on me to the last boyfriend who gave me Hepatits... well guess what we're not even together and I'm already starting to second gusss myself after what went on tonight... and instead
Ryan [3:43 AM]: of being serious about one damn thing i've said you've just basicly pushed it off like it didn't fucking matter... well, it might not to you but it does to me!
Matt [3:43 AM]: i'm not going to laugh it up
Matt [3:43 AM]: yer a great guy
Matt [3:45 AM]: and i believe i've apologized for the "juvenile(to quote my self) action"
Matt [3:46 AM]: forgive me
Matt [3:46 AM]: please
Ryan [3:48 AM]: I don't know what to say... I really don't
Matt [3:48 AM]: ok....well
Matt [3:48 AM]: i'm going to move on
Matt [3:49 AM]: i sincerely hope you have a good life
Matt signed off at 3:49 AM |
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| Boys |
[Dec. 13th, 2005|07:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  rejected | ] |
Tonight is coffee night... Crystal is bringing her new guy Nate for me to meet! I'm excited about that one.. however, I just got of the phone with Matt. I invited him to coffee last night and he declined. Tonight he calls and asks if I want him to come. I of course said yes, but he tells me that instead of spending the time with my friends and I that he's going to spend some time at CB's (his fav bar down the street). Seeing as how I haven't gotten to spend any time with him since wednesday I was hoping that he would want to spend his time with me. He is uncomfortable at Mokabe's, not because of my friends, but because of the overall environment... I'm an understanding person if he doesn't want to be there I'm not going to force him to be there. I just don't want to see him for 20 minutes on the way there and say goodbye then see him for 20 minutes on the way home. As we were getting off the phone he told me he was going to take a quick nap and to call him if I wanted him to go. I said I would call him later and but he wanted a decision right then and there in case something else came up. I told him that if something else came up to go for it but I would still call him later... his response to this was why call if it's not going to accomplish anything. So I told him for the pure joy of conversation... he said ok and as I was getting ready to say bye he hung up before the word even crossed my lips... I don't know what to think.. |
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reliving_ryan's journal